Episode 15

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Felicia and Ryon play Super Smash Bros.

Episode 15 title card.jpg

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Super Smash Bros
Platform N64
Published Nintendo, 1999
Hosts Felicia Day
Ryon Day
Director Sean Becker
Executive producers Felicia Day
Sheri Bryant
Editing Sean Becker
James Deuling
Graphics Steven Sprinkles
Music Jason Charles Miller
Production assistant Annie Liu
Stats (as of January 12, 2020)
First aired September 16, 2013
Duration 18:45
Views 251,731
Likes 5,731
Comments 1,335


Felicia: "You wanna look up the provenance of [the game]?"

Ryon: "Yeah, go ahead, do the fucking iPhone thing."

Felicia: "It's 'the fucking iPhone thing,' not let's be educational and/or thorough."

Ryon: "I think that's like Samus right there—"

Felicia: "Yeah, Seamus?"

Ryon: "Seamus? Seamus, the Irish video game hero."

Ryon: "They have Pikachu, but that gets you a low-scoring pose, as we saw. That would be a very low-scoring pose in Pokémon Snap."

Felicia: "That would be horrible. The professor would hate that shit."

Ryon: "And we got this little scrotum shaped motherfucker right here. Someone phoned it in on the art department. 'We have to come up with a concept for a character in a video game.'"

Felicia: "They were peeing and they looked down and they're like, 'Oh, there ya go. There it is! Right there!'"

Felicia: "This is how we hold [the N64 controller]. That's what the internet told me last time, 'You dumb bitch.' You gotta go up here. Up here. Up here."

Ryon: "Don't do that! Don't jerk off the N64 controller."

Felicia: "Everybody always complains that we don't look at the instructions."

Ryon: "Well, they're gonna get more of the same, because if we start doing what they want now, where does it end?"

Felicia: "It doesn't end anywhere."

Ryon: "Pretty soon they're gonna ask us to be good at it, and then where will we be, right?"

Felicia: "That would require effort."

Ryon: "We'll be practicing for hours before we film this shit, and I just can't see myself ever doing that."

Felicia: "Okay, no effort. 'Co-Optitude: Whatever.'"

Felicia: "Link looks like, god, Glenn Close."

Ryon: "Who's this dude?"

Felicia: "I don't know, 'C. Falcon'? What is the name?"

Ryon: "Oh dude, if you put this in a YouTube video people are gonna be like, 'You're a fucking fake gamer because you don't know who Cedric Falcon is."

Felicia: "I don't know who C. Falcon is. I don't know. But I don't like his face. Calcium Falcon."

Ryon: "Calcium Falcon?"

Felicia: "He's an education character."

Ryon, as Calcium Falcon: "'Makes your bones strong, buddy!' He's like a spokesman for calcium awareness."

Felicia: "How do you jump? How do you jump?"

Ryon: "Folks, I think she wants to know how to jump."

Felicia: "Did you figure out how to play, dipshit?"

Ryon: "But I bet Yoshi's got a very happy girlfriend. Look at this. [makes Yoshi's tongue go out]"

Felicia: "Okay. Ew, gross."

Ryon: "Just like Bomberman, I rely on your incompetence to win."

Ryon: "God, his asshole must be like two feet wide. Look at this. [swallows Felicia's character and lays a huge egg]"

Ryon: "So, reptiles and birds don't have assholes. They have a cloaca which is like a one-size-fits-all hole, like everything goes in there."

Ryon: "I've run out of shitting eggs, cunnilingus skill, and wide asshole jokes for Yoshi, so I have to move on."

Ryon: "I'm gonna do Jigglypuff because it sounds like a Black Eyed Peas band member."

Felicia: "What is it, Fergie and Jigglypuff? Will.i.am, Fergie, and Jigglypuff."

Ryon, singing to My Humps: "I'm gonna kick, kick, kick your ass. Kick your ass right off the cliff."

Felicia, mimicking Captain Falcon's idle animation: "'I'm ready! I'm ready!'"

Ryon: "'I'm ready to beat osteoporosis.'"

Felicia: "'Have some kale! Also, spinach is a good source of calcium!'"

Ryon: "'Cruciferous vegetables have a lot of calcium in them.'"

Ryon: "Yoshi's got a bright future ahead of him in a certain film industry, that's all I gotta tell ya. He's got no gag reflex, he's got a long tongue, he's got an asshole that could admit the Empire State Building."

Felicia: "Okay, I'm ignoring everything you're saying because I'm serious about becoming a Smash Brother."

Felicia: "Why can't you play Toad? I really love Toad."

Ryon: "Because there's already enough little scrotum shaped characters in the game without having to do Toad too. There's one here, there's one arguably here—"

Felicia: "If your scrotum is shaped like Toad, that's a problem, alright? That's what I'm gonna tell you."

Ryon: "What is it? 'Doctor, doctor, I have a problem. I think I'm a dog.' And the doctor's like, 'How long has this been going on?' And he's like, 'Since I was a puppy.' [waits for Felicia to laugh] Eh? I think I got that off of a popsicle stick."

Felicia: "Okay, look at him. Just get out of here. I don't wanna see you gloat, you scrotum. Bubblegum piece of shit."

Felicia: "God dammit, don't prevent death!"

Felicia, in bad Italian accent as Luigi: "'Ohh, who's-a better? Who's-a better brother? Eyy, you want-a spaghetti up-a your asshole! Heyy!'"

Felicia: "By the way, when the pee pee comes up, that means death."

Felicia, about Fox's noncommital congratulatory pose: "He looks like he's above this. It's as if his agent placed him in this for money, like it's a sponsorship deal, and he's like, 'I'd rather get on with saving the universe.'"

Ryon: "It's like Jodie Foster in Elysium. Fox is phoning it in."


Felicia: "50 Mario stars"

Ryon: "35 random button pushes"

Cue points

0:00 "This week" preview
0:05 Opening theme
0:14 Host intro
1:45 Game begins
5:19 Co-Optitude presents, "Felicia Learns to Jump"
10:57 "Joke of the Week"
17:43 Rating and outro
18:09 End card/promo
18:42 Closing theme
18:45 End video


Bonus content

Felicia Day, Ryon Day and Friends Play Super Smash Bros - Co-Optitude BONUS

External links

Social media