Felicia and Ryon play Super Smash Bros.
|Super Smash Bros|
|Executive producers||Felicia Day
|Music||Jason Charles Miller|
|Production assistant||Annie Liu|
|Stats (as of January 12, 2020)|
|First aired||September 16, 2013|
Felicia: "You wanna look up the provenance of [the game]?"
Ryon: "Yeah, go ahead, do the fucking iPhone thing."
Felicia: "It's 'the fucking iPhone thing,' not let's be educational and/or thorough."
Ryon: "I think that's like Samus right there—"
Felicia: "Yeah, Seamus?"
Ryon: "Seamus? Seamus, the Irish video game hero."
Ryon: "They have Pikachu, but that gets you a low-scoring pose, as we saw. That would be a very low-scoring pose in Pokémon Snap."
Felicia: "That would be horrible. The professor would hate that shit."
Ryon: "And we got this little scrotum shaped motherfucker right here. Someone phoned it in on the art department. 'We have to come up with a concept for a character in a video game.'"
Felicia: "They were peeing and they looked down and they're like, 'Oh, there ya go. There it is! Right there!'"
Felicia: "This is how we hold [the N64 controller]. That's what the internet told me last time, 'You dumb bitch.' You gotta go up here. Up here. Up here."
Ryon: "Don't do that! Don't jerk off the N64 controller."
Felicia: "Everybody always complains that we don't look at the instructions."
Ryon: "Well, they're gonna get more of the same, because if we start doing what they want now, where does it end?"
Felicia: "It doesn't end anywhere."
Ryon: "Pretty soon they're gonna ask us to be good at it, and then where will we be, right?"
Felicia: "That would require effort."
Ryon: "We'll be practicing for hours before we film this shit, and I just can't see myself ever doing that."
Felicia: "Okay, no effort. 'Co-Optitude: Whatever.'"
Felicia: "Link looks like, god, Glenn Close."
Ryon: "Who's this dude?"
Felicia: "I don't know, 'C. Falcon'? What is the name?"
Ryon: "Oh dude, if you put this in a YouTube video people are gonna be like, 'You're a fucking fake gamer because you don't know who Cedric Falcon is."
Felicia: "I don't know who C. Falcon is. I don't know. But I don't like his face. Calcium Falcon."
Ryon: "Calcium Falcon?"
Felicia: "He's an education character."
Ryon, as Calcium Falcon: "'Makes your bones strong, buddy!' He's like a spokesman for calcium awareness."
Felicia: "How do you jump? How do you jump?"
Ryon: "Folks, I think she wants to know how to jump."
Felicia: "Did you figure out how to play, dipshit?"
Ryon: "But I bet Yoshi's got a very happy girlfriend. Look at this. [makes Yoshi's tongue go out]"
Felicia: "Okay. Ew, gross."
Ryon: "Just like Bomberman, I rely on your incompetence to win."
Ryon: "God, his asshole must be like two feet wide. Look at this. [swallows Felicia's character and lays a huge egg]"
Ryon: "So, reptiles and birds don't have assholes. They have a cloaca which is like a one-size-fits-all hole, like everything goes in there."
Ryon: "I've run out of shitting eggs, cunnilingus skill, and wide asshole jokes for Yoshi, so I have to move on."
Ryon: "I'm gonna do Jigglypuff because it sounds like a Black Eyed Peas band member."
Felicia: "What is it, Fergie and Jigglypuff? Will.i.am, Fergie, and Jigglypuff."
Ryon, singing to My Humps: "I'm gonna kick, kick, kick your ass. Kick your ass right off the cliff."
Felicia, mimicking Captain Falcon's idle animation: "'I'm ready! I'm ready!'"
Ryon: "'I'm ready to beat osteoporosis.'"
Felicia: "'Have some kale! Also, spinach is a good source of calcium!'"
Ryon: "'Cruciferous vegetables have a lot of calcium in them.'"
Ryon: "Yoshi's got a bright future ahead of him in a certain film industry, that's all I gotta tell ya. He's got no gag reflex, he's got a long tongue, he's got an asshole that could admit the Empire State Building."
Felicia: "Okay, I'm ignoring everything you're saying because I'm serious about becoming a Smash Brother."
Felicia: "Why can't you play Toad? I really love Toad."
Ryon: "Because there's already enough little scrotum shaped characters in the game without having to do Toad too. There's one here, there's one arguably here—"
Felicia: "If your scrotum is shaped like Toad, that's a problem, alright? That's what I'm gonna tell you."
Ryon: "What is it? 'Doctor, doctor, I have a problem. I think I'm a dog.' And the doctor's like, 'How long has this been going on?' And he's like, 'Since I was a puppy.' [waits for Felicia to laugh] Eh? I think I got that off of a popsicle stick."
Felicia: "Okay, look at him. Just get out of here. I don't wanna see you gloat, you scrotum. Bubblegum piece of shit."
Felicia: "God dammit, don't prevent death!"
Felicia, in bad Italian accent as Luigi: "'Ohh, who's-a better? Who's-a better brother? Eyy, you want-a spaghetti up-a your asshole! Heyy!'"
Felicia: "By the way, when the pee pee comes up, that means death."
Felicia, about Fox's noncommital congratulatory pose: "He looks like he's above this. It's as if his agent placed him in this for money, like it's a sponsorship deal, and he's like, 'I'd rather get on with saving the universe.'"
Ryon: "It's like Jodie Foster in Elysium. Fox is phoning it in."
Felicia: "50 Mario stars"
Ryon: "35 random button pushes"
|0:00||"This week" preview|
|5:19||Co-Optitude presents, "Felicia Learns to Jump"|
|10:57||"Joke of the Week"|
|17:43||Rating and outro|
- Felicia Day and Ryon Day Play Super Smash Bros.: Co-Optitude Episode 15 on YouTube
- Super Smash Bros. (video game) on Wikipedia