Episode 36

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Felicia and Ryon play Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

Episode 36 title card.jpg

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Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Platform GameCube
Published Electronic Arts, 2005
Hosts Felicia Day
Ryon Day
Director Sean Becker
Executive producers Felicia Day
Sheri Bryant
Editing Andrew Jewell
Graphics Steven Sprinkles
Music Jason Charles Miller
Production assistant Annie Liu
Stats (as of January 12, 2020)
First aired March 3, 2014
Duration 12:21
Views 196,628
Likes 4,368
Comments 552


Ryon: "So, tell me something. Why the fuck are you dressed like you're at a Gryffindor slumber party? What, did you go to like Spencer's or Hot Topic or something and get—"

Felicia: "It is, indeed, a Hot Topic shirt."

Ryon: "If I have to fucking do this shit, then you should have to do it, too. Shithead-o change-o!"

VFX edit makes Felicia change into Hogwarts school uniform

Felicia: "Okay, is this good enough for you?"

Ryon: "I mean, you're wearing an infant's tie. I mean, like this is the tie they wore in the movie as kids I think."

Ryon: "So I think that J. K. Rowling should write another series of books like thirty years later. Like after—"

Felicia: "Well, she needs to write about the affair where Hermione and Harry meet in Italy."

Ryon: "Hermione and Harry finally bump some uglies."

Felicia: "Question: what are these mushrooms on the ground for? I need all mushrooms."

Ryon: "They're for a little bit of a journey that we can take."

Felicia: "Together. Me and—"

Ryon: "Me and Hermione."

Felicia: "Ron, just watch our bodies while we trip balls."

Ryon, reading prompt: "'Collect blue beans.' I'll tell you what Harry's got: blue balls. And there's only one cure: Hermione."

Felicia: "I'm gonna play Ron. I actually have his hair. [to camera] Hey! I beat you to it, internet!"

Felicia: "I always felt sorry for Hermione as the years went by because her boobs— You know that awkward teen boob thing. Like, you know you're wearing a training bra but you shouldn't."

Ryon: "I can't relate. Sorry."

Felicia: "Oh, I'm Ron. Ew."

Felicia: "If you were at Harry Potter-ville—"

Ryon: "'Harry Potter-ville'!? It's like a Zynga Facebook game? It's like you have like these micro-transactions. Like every bean costs a penny or something like that."

Felicia: "Yes, okay, exactly. If you were at Hogwarts studying, what would your emphasis have been?"

Ryon: "I think probably seduction magic or sexual magic."

Felicia, laughing: "There's no sexual magic!"

Ryon: "Yeah there is."

Felicia: "That's not— That's not—"

Ryon: "It's fourth year. It's actually a graduate course."

Felicia: "I would wanna meet J. K. Rowling and Oprah, and we'd have tea together and maybe go to a spa. Maybe sit around a span naked, but not look below the neck, 'cause we're friends!"

Felicia: "Stamina. Do it."

Ryon: "Yeaaaah."

Felicia: "Get everything. Buy it all."

Ryon: "Harry needs to last longer, according to Jenny."

Voiceover: "Now, to put the fires out you'll need to use aqua erupto."

Felicia: "Aqua erupto from your— Where's it gonna erupto from?"

Ryon: "Hermione! What are you doing? Hermione is running the show, obviously. Look at her. Her water spurt is the biggest. She's gushin'."

Felicia, laughing: "You're so gross."

Ryon, laughing: "120 health! 86 beans."

Felicia: "I hate you."

Ryon: "Alright, next room. Wait, are there any beans in here?"

Felicia: "Fuck you."

Ryon: "Yeah, beans!"

Felicia: "I don't care if you get beans or not."

Ryon: "Dude! We gotta get beans!"

Felicia: "I'm mad at you! It's done!"

Ryon: "Get the beans."

Felicia: "The beans are done."

Ryon: "Beans."

Felicia, laughing: "No! Please, stop it."

Ryon: "Can we compromise?"

Felicia, laughing: "It's either get beans or don't get beans."

Ryon: "Exactly, so the compromise is I get beans. That's how this works."

Felicia: "Wow, there's no beans. Stupid fucker."

Ryon: "Wait, maybe there's more beans in other chests."

Felicia: "Wow, you know what? This is the incident where Hermione was like, 'I'll just fuck Ron for the rest of my life.'"

Ryon: "You know, [tending dragons is] not as glamorous as it sounds."

Felicia: "Tending dragons?"

Ryon: "Yeah."

Felicia: "Why not?"

Ryon: "Because they probably eat a whole cow a day, which means they shit a whole cow a day."

Ryon: "One thing that startles me about Hogwarts is I just can't even imagine how many young wizards died there, right? It's like hush-hush."

Felicia: "There's a little graveyard."

Ryon: "But it's always like a 'swimming accident' or something like that. It was tragic, like they went swimming without supervision and it was their fault."

Felicia: "Hagrid tends to the little special garden in the forest outside of Hogwarts."

Ryon: "The trees grow with particular vigor in Hagrid's garden."

Felicia: "What house would Macaulay Culkin be sorted into? Let's talk about other child—"

Ryon: "Oh, he's Slytherin all day long, dude."

Felicia: "Macaulay Culkin is Slytherin all day long? Beaver's Slytherin all day long, by the way."

Ryon: "Beaver's a muggle. He was totally a muggle."

Felicia: "Selena Gomez seems like a Hufflepuff. No, Gryffindor. I would say Selena Gomez is Gryffindor."

Ryon: "All of That 70s Show kids are totally Hufflepuff."

Felicia: "I think Grace Helbig would be Hufflepuff, but she would be like the queen of the Hufflepuffs. Freddie Wong: Slytherin all the way. I just think he'd be Slytherin! He's kinda like you. He's like, fuck."

Ryon: "What about Sean Plott?"

Felicia: "Hufflepuff."

Ryon: "Sean Plott: Hufflepuff?"

Felicia: "Oh no, Sean Plott?"

Ryon: "Sean Plott: Ravenclaw, for real."

Felicia: "Ravenclaw, yeah. Oh, what about the vloggers? Amy Dallen? Hufflepuff."

Ryon: "Yeah, Hufflepuff."

Felicia: "Really? No, she might be Ravenclaw. Nika Harper: Gryffindor."

Ryon: "Nika— Yeah, Gryffindor."

Felicia: "Scott Tumilty who does retro games. Ravenclaw. Jeff Lewis."

Ryon: "Jeff Lewis? He needs his own house. Like, you can't even— Like, he needs a whole other fucking house."

Felicia: "Yeah, Jeff Lewis fits in no house."

Ryon, singing as they extinguish flames: "We didn't start the fire."

Felicia, singing: "It was only burning in the Forbidden Forest."

Felicia: "Hermione, do anything, please. You're a pretty girl."

Prompt: "Jinx Skrewt from the behind"

Felicia, reading: "'Jinx Skrewt'!? That might be the best sentence I've ever read in a video game."

Ryon, laughing: "Jinx Skrewt from behind."

Ryon: "This operation is sort of like getting semen from an elephant. It requires a lot of prostate stimulation to kill a Skrewt from behind."


Felicia: "4 wands up a Skrewt Jinx"

Ryon: "4 wands up a Skrewt from behind"

Cue points

0:00 "This week" preview
0:13 Opening theme
0:21 Host intro
1:38 Game begins
6:17 "Epic Sibling Bean War of the Week"
10:54 "Unintentional Sex Slang of the Week"
11:50 Rating and outro
12:11 End card/promo
12:18 Closing theme
12:21 End video

Bonus content

Bertie Bott's Beans! Co-Optitude Bonus


External links


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