Episode 56

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Felicia and Ryon play Kingdom Hearts.

This is part 2 of a two-part play through. Part 1 is Episode 55.

Episode 56 title card.jpg

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Kingdom Hearts
Platform PlayStation 2
Published Square Electronic Arts, 2002
Hosts Felicia Day
Ryon Day
Director of cinematography Omer Ganai
Executive producers Felicia Day
Sheri Bryant
Editing Andrew Jewell
Graphics Steven Sprinkles
Music Jason Charles Miller
Production assistant Annie Liu
Stats (as of January 12, 2020)
First aired August 4, 2014
Duration 14:31
Views 140,894
Likes 3,233
Comments 352


Felicia: "Hey, YouTube. It's Co-Optitude. It's a show where we play games together, me and my brother."

Ryon: "If you don't know that by now, what the fuck planet have you been living on?"

Felicia: "Yeah. It's not hostile at all."

Ryon: "For real, right? Am I right?"

Ryon: "So there's this group of one-percenters who give their kids a desert island."

Felicia: "Yeah, so basically these children—"

Ryon: "They build like Swiss Family Robinson huts and shit on it."

Felicia: "Millions of dollars worth of basically a clubhouse for these attractive, mostly red-headed youths."

Ryon: "Love triangle that is formed—"

Felicia: "Oh, there's a love triangle, yeah."

Ryon: "—between this kinda beta—"

Felicia: "He's in love with a girl—"

Ryon: "—this kinda milquetoast, beta kid and this hunky—"

Felicia: "Yeah, and he's in love with a girl who has hair that pretty much looks exactly like his. That my hair's flippy, her hair is down, and basically it's the same person. Our character is sent around doing basically fetch errands."

Ryon: "Friend zoned."

Felicia: "Friend zoned fetch errands."

Ryon: "Meanwhile, in Disney universe, Mickey has taken leave of absence from his kingdom."

Felicia: "Probably to re-envision his logo, 'cause it's on everything, even toilet paper."

Ryon: "Yup. It's just like Chairman Mao or Big Brother or something like that."

Felicia: "Exactly. So anyway, there's a problem. Donald and Goofy gotta be like, 'Let's solve it!' and at the same time, bad things, and I have a huge key sword."

Ryon: "Will Sora get his groove on?"

Felicia: "Will he be able to share one of those let's-bond-our-destiny fruits?"

Ryon: "Will Goofy fuck up and then chaos ensue? These questions and more will be answered on this week's Co-Optitude."

Felicia: "Can you make an effort though, honestly, to just look at Goofy and be like, let's talk about his better qualities. Just for this episode. Just as a change. Because we're clear that you do not appreciate—"

Ryon, rubbing face in frustration: "No no, it's fine. Alright. We'll do it. Go. Go. [sees Goofy] Oh god. Oh. Well, at least he's not Hitler. That's good, right?"

Felicia: "I mean, that's a positive thing."

Ryon: "Yellow kinda matches with green a little bit."

Felicia: "Okay, just don't say anything if can't— Just don't say anything."

Felicia, gasping: "It's a moogle! Oh my god, if I could own a moogle—"

Ryon: "'Kupo' actually means 'asshole.'"

Felicia: "Are you kidding?"

Ryon: "Look, read it. Read it like that. Read it like it means—"

Felicia, reading: "'Seeing all of this town will take some time, kupo.'"

Ryon, laughing: "Right? Am I right, or am I right?"

Felicia: "Can I take that moogle and sell him to make money?"

Felicia: "Go in everybody's rooms and steal things. That's RPG number one."

Ryon: "This is really the chief rule in RPGs. Anything that's not tied down."

Ryon: "So many tennis balls. Boy, if Pluto were here he would go fucking nuts."

Felicia: "Oh, he's a bad guy. But he's the hottest! Well, how's that possible?"

Felicia: "I don't think you were supposed to beat him. I think that was— I mean, he's got a mullet. He's always gonna beat you."

Felicia: "What? Oh, that's Final Fantasy— What is her name? I can't remember. Is that the flower girl?"

Ryon: "That's Vujeen Jr!"

Felicia: "No no, Vujeen Jr. It's Vujeen Jr, guys!

Ryon, seeing Yuffie: "What kind of girl wears fishnet stockings on her arms?"

Felicia: "I mean, I have. Admittedly, I have! They looked cute in college."

Ryon: "I mean, it's a little bit of a dog's breakfast with the orange gloves, the green halter top with blue denim straps and yellow shorts and fishnet hose on their arms."

Felicia: "You should write a fashion blog."

Sora, in-game: "The heartless?"

Squall, in-game: "Those without hearts."

Felicia, laughing: "We found another Edward from Twilight candidate."

Ryon: "Yeah, we found the definition of heartless. It means one without a heart."

Felicia: "Once you level up more, those guys are gonna be like— you're gonna be slicing through liverwurst. It's gonna be beautiful."

Ryon: "Liverwurst, huh?"

Felicia: "Yeah. Well, it's a soft pâté."

Ryon, laughing: "It's a soft— So any soft deli meat is appropriate."

Felicia: "Baloney. Baloney's a little bit firmer. That's these guys now."

Felicia: "He's poopin' out tennis balls. He's like John McEnroe right there."

Ryon: "The third pillar of a successful RPG is buying shit. Buying shit, stealing shit, and talking."

Ryon, as Felicia drives a ship poorly: "Um, you're colliding with them. Um, you're killing our ship! You're colliding with the ground, dude!"

Felicia: "I can't do it!!"

Ryon: "You just killed Disney characters! Now there can never be a Disney cartoon made ever again with Goofy. Oh, that's a good thing. You did the universe a service."

Felicia: "How do you get up?"

Ryon: "Well, I kinda whack it around a little bit."

Felicia: "Okay, gross."

Felicia: "Fine, take over. I don't give a shit. This is a fucking sea monkey world anyway."

Keyhole, in-game: "No, you're simply too big."

Donald Duck, in-game: "It talks!"

Felicia: "You're surprised!?"

Ryon, laughing: "A talking duck is surprised at a talking doorknob. Fucking—"

Felicia: "'What!? My mind is blown! Except I'm a huge fucking duck!'"

Keyhole, in-game: "Why don't you try the bottle over there?"

Ryon: "Yeah, the bottle always helps me with my problems too."

Felicia, banging on keyhole with keyblade: "Okay, this is unacceptable. Okay, he won't do anything. We gotta wake him up. Somehow we need to electrocute him—"

Ryon: "You know what would wake him up? Sticking a key right in his mouth."

Felicia, laughing: "That would wake me up!"

Felicia: "We need three pieces of evidence."

Ryon, counting on fingers: "DNA—"

Felicia: "Yeah."

Ryon: "Fingerprints—"

Felicia: "Corpse."

Ryon: "Semen."

Felicia: "If we could just send it out to the lab to enhance it."

Ryon: "We'll send it to CSI. Zoom and enhance it!"

Ryon: "You found a box of footprints, essentially."

Felicia: "I am not gonna wanna try to do this myself. So you keep going with your Robert Jordan treads."

Ryon: "Robert Jordan treads? Man, imagine if Robert Jordan made a line of sneakers when he was still alive and writing books. They would have been the longest, most boring shoes in the history of—"

Felicia, pointing at Sora: "That's where you get 'em! That's where you get 'em!"

Ryon: "That's where they are. His Robert Jordans."

Ryon: "Alright, we got some pretty thin gruel here. We got semen stains, we got a box of foot prints."

Ryon: "I'm so confident. I'm Perry fucking Mason here."

Felicia: "Get to the tower."

Ryon, as Arnold Schwarzenegger in Predator: "Get to the towah!"

Felicia: "This is like you're on set and you're just filming this scene over and over."

Ryon: "Yeah, 'Take 20!'"

Felicia: "Guys, this is how acting works. It's very boring."

Ryon: "Remember Goof Troop?"

Felicia: "God, it's every Goofy-based video game is just basically torture."


Ryon: "35 dumbass Goofy stares"

Felicia: "40 days of duck à l'orange"

Cue points

0:00 "This week" preview
0:10 Opening theme
0:19 Host intro
0:33 Recap Time!
1:46 Game begins
4:41 "Fashion Blog Post of the Week"
14:00 Rating and outro
14:20 End card/promo
14:28 Closing theme
14:31 End video



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