Episode 97

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Jessica Merizan and Hector Navarro play Spelunky.

Episode 97 title card.jpg

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Platform Unknown platform
Published Mossmouth, 2013
Hosts Hector Navarro
Jessica Merizan
Director Zac Eubank
Director of cinematography Omer Ganai
Executive producers Felicia Day
Sheri Bryant
Editing Aline Oliviera
Graphics Natalia Daniels
Music Jason Charles Miller
Gaffer David Thompson
Makeup Cat Paschen
Stats (as of January 12, 2020)
First aired June 15, 2015
Duration 12:07
Views 79,534
Likes 1,544
Comments 391


Jessica: "Hey, everyone! Welcome to Co-Optitude where I play games with my brother from another mother."

Hector: "And I play games with this woman who's claiming she's my sister."

Jessica: "Oh, you just hit me!"

Hector: "I am so sorry."

Jessica: "You just hit me with your flag!"

Hector: "I did not mean to do that at all."

Jessica: "Oh my god."

Hector: "What is that woman doing down here?"

Jessica: "Oh my god, you keep hitting me!"

Hector: "Again, I am so sorry."

Jessica: "Okay, I need to stay a good distance away from you."

Hector: "Watch out, I just accidentally threw a bomb. Careful. Whoa! It destroyed the level?"

Jessica: "Yes, it did!"

Hector: "How many do I— I'm out."

Jessica: "You're out of bombs?"

Hector: "And I've got two whips."

Jessica: "Maybe that's not the worst thing."

Hector: "Hey, you know what? [whips Jessica] Maybe you're not the worst thing."

Jessica: "YOU JUST HIT ME!"

Hector: "Get outta here! I don't need you!"

Jessica: "STOP IT!"

Hector: "I don't need you, Miss Ravenwood!"

Hector: "Hey ghost girl, talk to ghost guy over here and tell him to get off of my nuts. I'm trying to raid this tomb."

Hector: "You know what, I'm gonna take this opportunity. Let's go clean slate. Fresh start."

Jessica: "Oh, now you want to work together."

Hector: "Yeah, because we have no choice."

Jessica: "Instead of like fucking whipping me to death."

Jessica: "Okay, I'm standing like a good two feet away from you now."

Hector: "You better get off. I'ma whip it. Whah!"

Jessica: "No! No! No, we learned nothing!"

Hector: "Don't die!"

Hector: "Didn't you see that snake right in front of you?"

Jessica: "No, I did."

Hector: "Why does it always have to be snakes? [mugs to camera]"

Jessica: "Alright, let's go talk to the pretty lady."

Hector: "How do you talk to her?"

Jessica: "She just like opened her mouth, as if I'm supposed to put something inside her mouth or something."

Hector: "Alright, well figure out that puzzle."

Jessica: "Look, did you see it?"

Hector: "Yeah, I saw it. Hang on, maybe when she opens her mouth I'll ghost-blow in it. Get back, get back! Ready. [blowing sound]"

Jessica: "Oh my god, something happened! Oh my god!"

Hector: "You're scaring her! Can I like possess her? I'll take her body."

Jessica: "You're hurting her."

Hector: "She's not gonna die."

Jessica: "Maybe she will. Just kill her. Can I whip her? 'Journal entry added.' It's probably like, 'What are—' Here, what is the journal entry?"

Hector: "'Dear journal. I'm a ghost now, but I'm blowing my body. Feels pretty weird, I don't know. We're still in this mine.'"

Jessica: "Oh, I killed her! She's dead! Oh, I murdered her!"

Hector: "You're fine. You're fine. [tries to whip Jessica]"

Jessica: "No! Oh, did you see me dodge that? I so—"

Hector: "Oh yeah? [starts whipping]"

Jessica: "I have learned a lesson. No!"

Hector: "Dodge this!"

Jessica: "No! No! No, you do not— Excuse me, this is so abusive!"

Jessica: "This is the beginning of one of those movies where we accidentally kill someone and we have to go on the lam."

Hector: "I think I killed her. I think she's dead. Get up, lady! Carol, stop messing around, Carol. Wake up. Carol! Get up! You're ruining my bachelorette party! Carol!"

Hector: "Wanna try to get that ruby down there or is it too risky?"

Jessica: "No, we can get it."

Hector: "Okay, you gotta risk it for the biscuit. Here we go."

Jessica: "Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I— [sigh]"

Hector: "Where are you? What did you do? I said, 'Are you fine?' You said, 'Yeah.'"

Jessica: "Please, I'm dying."

Hector, laughing: "You're hanging off a cliff. I should whip you in the face right now. Get outta here!"

Jessica: "DO NOT! DO NOT!"

Hector: "Learn a lesson, why don't ya."

Hector: "Lemme kill Carol real quick."

Jessica: "Oh god, Carol! Carol, no!"

Hector: "Hey, Carol!"

Jessica: "Carol, I can't help you from here! Please, please, I'm about to die! Please, please, I have four seconds! Please, you just have to get me in the camera view! I'm— Okay, good."

Hector, singing: "Playin' the same level over and over again!"

Hector: "Okay, how are we supposed to teamwork?"

Jessica: "Uh, we were teamworking just fine!"

Hector, whipping Jessica: "I got this on my own! Hey! Stay back, I said!"

Jessica: "Stop! Stop!"

Hector, still whipping Jessica: "Are you gonna— I said stay back. Stay back! Get outta here. I got this. Later, ha ha. [reaching out to shake hands] Hey, good team work! This is gonna go great."

Jessica slaps his hand away

Hector, on intro screen with hole in ceiling: "How about we just go up and leave? Can we try that? Lemme shoot a rope up."

Jessica: "Yeah, see if you can— Nope."

Hector: "I cannot shoot a rope up. I'm trying to escape."

Jessica: "We're literally trapped in this."

Hector: "Spelunky? More like No-Thanky."

Jessica, laughing in spite of herself

Off-camera: "Didn't land."

Hector: "Nope. They usually don't."

Jessica: "Just blow everything that you see."

Hector: "Honey, you don't even have to tell me. Trust."

Hector: "I think ya died."

Jessica: "I did die."

Hector, clapping: "Yay, we get to do the whole thing over again!"

Off-camera: "That's it."

Hector: "That's it? How long have we been playing? About seven hours?"


Hector: "10 out of 10 blows"

Jessica: "25 face whips"

Cue points

0:00 "This week" preview
0:09 Opening theme
0:17 Host intro
1:29 Game begins
10:17 "Bad Joke of the Week"
11:31 Rating and outro
11:49 End card/promo
12:05 Closing theme
12:07 End video


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