Episode 135
Felicia and Ryon play Secret of the Magic Crystals.
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- Episode 135 -
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Secret of the Magic Crystals | |
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Platform | PC |
Published | Artery Studios, 2011 |
Credits | |
Hosts | Felicia Day Ryon Day |
Stats (as of January 12, 2020) | |
First aired | August 22, 2016 |
Duration | 17:21 |
Views | 65,346 |
Likes | 1,837 |
Comments | 144 |
Quotes
Felicia: "And we have a special, special—"
Ryon: "Very special episode today."
Felicia: "Not really. It's just a stupid game."
Ryon: "It's a dumbass little baby game."
Ryon: "And Garuda X17 gave us this."
Felicia: "Well, among a lot of other themed things like this, this is my favorite, 'cause, not only is it a creepy little guy—"
Ryon: "But there's a special feature."
Felicia: "This is a special feature. Now, just as a reminder, this is a child's toy in Japan, I believe. This large stuffed animal has a butthole. And it's not just any butthole. It's a butthole you can put your finger in."
Ryon: "Unlike regular buttholes."
Felicia, as she thrusts her finger in and out of the butthole: "Look at this, guys. I don't mean— I don't know—"
Ryon: "Look at that. Look at this filth. Hide your eyes, children."
Felicia: "Look! Why did this toy come with a butthole? And a tiny butthole that's finger sized. And you can fit a lot in here, guys. This is a pocket. If anybody has an explanation for why this children's toy has a butthole—"
Ryon: "I think the explanation is 'Japan.'"
Felicia: "Okay, is that it?"
Ryon: "Yeah."
Ryon: "What are we gonna do? We're gonna collect this fucker!"
Felicia: "No, we're gonna breed this fucker."
Ryon: "We're gonna breed this fucker."
Felicia: "I don't know if we breed or not. We're going to raise this fucker."
Ryon: "Gonna raise this fucker. Matriculate this fucker."
Felicia: "Matriculate? That means graduate, right?"
Ryon: "We're going to have them graduate from unicorn college."
Felicia: "Okay, we're gonna edumacate some unicorns."
Ryon: "We're gonna educate unicorns. Let's educate this fucker."
Felicia: "Educate this fucker."
Felicia: "We gotta play a girl, but— You wanna play a guy? I'm gonna do this for you just because you look just like this kid. Look at him. [in child's voice] 'Hi, my name's Ryon Day! I'm five years old!'"
Ryon: "Well, he does have a bowl cut like a young Ryon Day did as well."
Felicia: "He does. And you're wearing like a little sissy suit."
Ryon: "Yeah, little sissy suit."
Felicia: "What are we gonna name him?"
Ryon: "We're gonna name him— Well, we have two names we usually use."
Felicia: "Well, or we can use that or—"
Ryon: "Peupicorn? Anussicorn?"
Felicia: "[…] Or just Well Hung. [types it in] Okay, right? I like that."
Ryon: "I'm sure you do! I'm sure that's right up your alley, dude. Right up your something, anyway."
Felicia: "Look at his information. He's very, very stupid."
Ryon: "He's very cheap."
Felicia: "He's very stupid."
Ryon: "He's very weak. He's dumb and weak."
Felicia: "He's very stupid. He's a dextrous, speedy, dumb shit."
Ryon: "He's dumb and fucking runs really fast."
Felicia: "Yeah."
Ryon: "He's a dumb shit."
Ryon: "If you're a good boy, WellHung, we'll let ya fuck."
Ryon: "I think he needs to get swole again. I want a big, muscle-bound, dumb fuck unicorn, alright?"
Ryon: "We need to put some more concrete blocks on that sled."
Felicia: "No you don't! He's a baby!"
Ryon: "No, he's gonna be a man."
Felicia: "He's a foal. He doesn't even have horseshoes on yet."
Ryon: "It's okay. He's gonna be tough."
Felicia: "We gotta go put him to work, actually. He needs to make us some cheddar."
Ryon: "And what kind of weak, spindly horse is gonna make us money?"
Felicia: "Um, one who is elegant."
Felicia: "We gotta put him to work. Should we clean him before we put him to work? Nah, it's fine."
Ryon: "We'll ride him hard, put him up wet. It'll teach him character."
Ryon, brushing the unicorn disturbingly slowly and speaking softly: "Oh yeah, you like that? You like that? Oh yeah, you like that."
Felicia: "Don't go so slow. It's creepy."
Ryon: "No, he likes it. Mmm-hmm."
Felicia, laughing: "Please stop it."
Ryon: "Right down the shanks, nice and slow? Shanks? Nice and slow. There ya go."
Felicia: "You're making me vomit! Please!"
Felicia: "And the great thing is we can sit here for a minute and a half watching him go off screen to do something we can't see."
Ryon: "What are we supposed to do?"
Felicia: "Nothing. We wait for the horse to come back. That's why this game sucks."
Felicia, after brushing ill unicorn: "Okay, he looks better. Does he look alright?"
Ryon: "Yeah! No, he's fine."
Felicia: "He doesn't look good."
Ryon: "He's totally fine, man! Let's go lift some weights now."
Felicia: "No! Okay, I don't like the way you're treating our horse. Eat something!"
Ryon: "Come on, man. Pain is weakness leaving the body, dude."
Felicia: "Oh, he's got an infection!"
Ryon: "He's got the chlamydias. Jesus, what did you do when you were out there?"
Felicia: "Oh no, this is awful."
Ryon: "We didn't give him the talk and this is what happens."
Felicia: "I don't think we have enough money to cure him!"
Ryon: "No, we don't have any money to cure our horse."
Felicia, laughing: "How can we have fucked this game up so fast!?"
Ryon, laughing: "Okay! Put him to work! You gotta bring home the bacon!"
Felicia: "I'm sorry, you have to go!"
Ryon: "Son, you have to go! We have no choice!"
Felicia, laughing: "You have to, I'm sorry!"
Ryon, laughing: "We have no choice!"
Felicia, laughing: "This is like Tiny Tim stuff!"
Ryon: "We have no choice, kid, I'm sorry! Oh god, he's gonna—"
Felicia: "This is like Tiny Tim! It's awful!"
Felicia: "I just want— Can we get another horse? Can we send him to [quietly] the glue factory?"
Ryon: "Yeah, how much is his body worth?"
Felicia: "If we just take his horn off—"
Ryon: "How much are his bones worth in the glue factory?"
Ryon: "Yep, get that hoof. Other hoof."
Felicia, flatly: "We gotta do all his hooves."
Ryon: "Wow."
Felicia: "God I hate him."
Ryon, laughing: "You're talking about your child."
Felicia, laughing: "I fucking hate him."
Ryon: "Look at him. [holding out hand] 'You may. You may fucking groom.'"
Felicia: "You know what I had to do because of your fucking genital infection!? I literally have no money right now to pay myself!"
Ryon: "Hope you guys out there didn't pay for your whole chair, 'cause I know you're just using the edge."
Felicia: "Look at him! He's running like—"
Ryon: "He's running like an idiot."
Felicia: "Oh it works!"
Ryon: "Oh look! He looks so proud."
Felicia: "Oh god, he's adorable."
Ryon: "Oh god, no son of mine acts like that."
Felicia: "Okay, you're really gender stereotyping right now. I feel like if he needs to prance, you gotta let a guy prance."
Ryon, reading: "Oh, 'Intelligence is determined by how well you groom your horse as a colt.' Not C-U-L-T, but C-O-L-T."
Felicia: "O-C-C-U-L-T?"
Ryon: "So we treated him like shit, so his mental capacity is stunted."
Felicia: "How did we treat him like shit? I thought we groomed him really well as a baby."
Ryon, laughing: "We sent him to work at the age of 1."
Felicia: "Alright, that was not as good as it could have been. How do you increase it?"
Ryon: "He's done. It's nature versus nurture, dude. I've been trying to pull a 3-ton cart as a 100 lb colt. He had a brain aneurysm. It just killed the part of his brain."
Felicia, laughing: "As long as he can still breed."
Ryon, laughing: "You just need him for his big horse dick. That's all he is to you. A dick on four legs. That's all. That's all."
Felicia: "Fuck this game."
Ryon: "Fuck this game, dude."
Character names
- Both: "WellHung"
Rating
Felicia: "45 hours of him just going away and not doing anything"
Ryon: "3 IQ points"
Cue points
0:00 | "This week" preview |
0:16 | Opening theme |
0:25 | Host intro |
2:44 | Game begins |
8:15 | "Felicia's Most Uncomfortable Moment of the Week" |
16:26 | Rating and outro |
17:13 | Closing theme |
17:15 | End card/promo |
17:21 | End video |