Episode 121

Felicia and Ryon play BattleBlock Theater.

BattleBlock Theater

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Published	The Behemoth, 2014
Credits
Hosts	Felicia Day Ryon Day
Stats (as of January 12, 2020)
First aired	February 29, 2016
Duration	12:20
Views	73,590
Likes	2,254
Comments	410

Quotes

Both: "Hey, everybody! It's Co-Optitude time! The show where I play games with my"

Ryon: "sister."

Felicia, slightly mispronouncing: "brother."

Ryon: "With your father?"

Felicia: "I said brother!"

Ryon: "No, I distinctly heard your father."

Felicia: "No. I did—"

Ryon: "I don't look that old. If I look that old, leave a comment!"

Felicia, laughing: "Gonna get a lot of comments."

Felicia: "And I wanna give a shout out to Jackie for making these hats."

Ryon: "I know! After receiving mountains of shit for her dots for the Shift Happens episode, she said, 'I'm not— I'm gonna prove that Geek & Sundry has a crack prop and costume department.'"

Felicia: "And Jackie was like embracing the construction of fully formed heads."

Ryon: "After watching seasons of Martha Stewart living."

Felicia: "But I read, evolutionarily, our pinky toes and our little fingers are disappearing. So like eventually—"

Ryon: "What, do you have like an extra short one and you're trying to justify yourself?"

Felicia: "No-! I do have an extra short one. I have an extra short pinky."

Ryon: "Oh, see. So what you're trying to say is you're the next evolutionary step?"

Felicia: "Yeah. Right here!"

Ryon: "'See, it's not a defect. It's just the next step in human evolution. Me and my stunted finger. Pretty soon, twenty years, all the kids are gonna have stunted fingers.'"

Felicia: "I know, I'm a stunted finger hipster."

Felicia: "I'm not a square!!"

Ryon: "Okay, so, we've been captured by cats. You know, cats really are awful. Did you ever notice that?"

Felicia: "Well, they're awful with other animals. They're just like, 'You exist, I kill you.'"

Ryon: "It's like, do you want a box of shit in your house? Like, boy, do I have the animal for you."

Felicia: "Oh my god, do you know what I hate? A cat taking a poop and their head is pointing out of the box, and they look so confident. They're like, 'Doin' it.'"

Ryon: "Yeah, they're like: poop with confidence."

Ryon: "Ooh, I think we're missing some shit though. We gotta go back."

Felicia: "No, we can't go back. Never go back. Except when it's a video game—"

Ryon: "You just quoted like a Don Henley song and you're gonna puke."

Felicia: "Is that a Don Henley song?"

Ryon: "Yeah, Boys of Summer, dude."

Felicia: "Oh god, I hate that song. No no, for real, every time I say that I hate that song on the internet, literally, people unfollow me."

Ryon: "Boys of Summer? That's literally the worst song, except for Carlos Santana and Smooth, it is the worst song ever written."

Felicia: "No, that's a good song!"

Ryon: "NOOO, IT IS NOT!!"

Felicia: "Whoa, guys!"

Ryon: "Carlos Santana with the Matchbox 20 guy singing Smooth?"

Felicia: "That's a good song! I'm so— No."

Ryon: "Literally the shittiest song that man has ever— They play that in Guantanamo Bay to make people talk. At very loud volumes. They just loop it over and over. And they're like, 'I'll tell you everything I know! I'll make shit up to make Rob Thomas stop saying the word smooth.'"

Felicia: "I disagree! I disagree!"

Ryon: "God, I can't believe you like Rob Thomas and Carlos Santana's Smooth."

Felicia: "I don't— No no, I didn't say I liked him. I said it wasn't the worst. It wasn't the worst."

Ryon: "Oh! You did! You did! You did. You said it was a good song."

Felicia: "Did I?"

Ryon: "Yes."

Felicia: "No I didn't."

Ryon: "We'll replay that shit for sure."

Felicia: "Don't tell the editor how to edit!"

Ryon: "Editor, editor, this is choice."

Felicia: "The editor works for me!"

Ryon: "Drown, you Rob Thomas loving motherfucker. That's what happens to Rob Thomas fans."

Felicia: "What, so you don't have a problem with Santana. You have a problem with Rob Thomas."

Ryon: "Oh, Santana debased his legacy by working with Rob Thomas. [Felicia's character drowns] See, that's what happens to Rob Thomas fans. They drown."

Felicia: "You know what? You're going to alienate half our fanbase. They're all Smooth—"

Ryon: "Half of our fanbase is Rob Thomas fans!?"

Felicia: "I bet three or four of our fans got married to Smooth."

Ryon: "My life is a failure!"

Felicia: "Literally the wedding march for three or four of our fans was Smooth by Rob Thomas. I'm not kidding."

Ryon: "Wait, we have to get everything. I thought I knew you."

Felicia: "You're really betrayed by this!"

Ryon: "I thought I knew you."

Felicia: "This is really upsetting to me that you—"

Ryon: "It just goes to show you. You never really know anybody, guys."

Felicia: "Until you know if they hate Rob Thomas or not."

Ryon: "There's two kinds of people in this world."

Felicia: "Rob Thomas haters and Rob Thomas apathetic-ers."

Ryon: "'Apathetic-ers'?"

Felicia: "Yeah. Because that's how I feel about Rob Thomas."

Felicia: "I do like Veronica Mars, and that I believe is Rob Thomas as well, but I don't think it's the same guy, is it?"

Ryon: "No, Rob Thomas was not in, as a matter of fact, Veronica Mars."

Felicia: "The guy who created Veronica Mars and iZombie, I believe, is Rob Thomas."

Ryon: "Rob Zombie?"

Felicia: "No, Rob Thomas. But I don't think it's the same guy who sang with Santana."

Ryon: "He probably spends half his time— His Twitter bio probably says, 'No, I am not the Matchbox 20 Rob Thomas.'"

Felicia, laughing: "Probably."

Ryon: "Okay, pick me up! Get me! Get me!"

Felicia: "Okay come on! [falls into the water] Oh boy."

Ryon: "You Rob Thomased it, dude."

Felicia, laughing: "That cannot be a verb now! Rob Thomas can't be a verb."

Ryon: "I'm waiting here for you to cross the bridge."

Felicia: "I need to get this gem, then, bingo. Oh—"

Ryon: "You are the shittiest fucking ass."

Felicia, laughing: "Okay, I didn't do that right! I thought the exit was upstairs!"

Ryon: "You're so smooth, dude."

Felicia: "I thought the exit was up there. I didn't see that the words clearly said 'exit.'"

Ryon: "Rob Thomas is shaking his head sadly at this Co-Optitude saying, 'You're not so smooth.'"

Felicia: "We got a silver and we solved it, okay? We get to move on without being—"

Ryon: "Your standards, much like Carlos Santana when he decided to pair with Rob Thomas, are much diminished."

Felicia: "You know what, you're one to talk about Carlos Santana."

Ryon: "Your standards are just as low as Carlos Santana's when he decided to pair with Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20."

Felicia: "You know what, what do you really feel about this?"

Felicia: "Do we need to be up there for any reason?"

Ryon: "I don't know. I'm about to find out. YEAH BOYEE!"

Felicia: "God, video game logic says if it's hard to get to you gotta get there."

Felicia: "You know what I read online? For real. For real. If you go to a hotel room, the dirtiest parts of a hotel room are the remote control—"

Ryon: "Yeah, people rubbing their dicks on remotes all the time, man."

Felicia: "Now come on, people don't— They don't do that, do they?"

Ryon: "I'll bet!"

Felicia: "No, if you've ever done that, leave a comment."

Ryon, laughing: "If you've changed the channels on a motel remote control with your dick, leave a comment."

Felicia: "—with your penis, leave a comment. Nobody's gonna comment. I guarantee you. Not one person."

Ryon: "No, they'll be like, 'Yeah, I've done that.'"

Felicia: "No. Have you done it? I don't wanna know. Please don't tell me. Those are the things I don't wanna know about you, ever."

Felicia: "Okay, if you were in hell, what would be the people who would be giving concerts in hell?"

Ryon: "Rob Thomas and Carlos Santana."

Felicia: "Only them?"

Ryon: "No, Rob Thomas playing to a recording of Carlos Santana, 'cause Carlos Santana has realized his mistake since, I think."

Felicia: "But he wouldn't be in hell then."

Ryon: "No. Carlos Santana, no."

Felicia: "So who would be on guitar?"

Ryon: "Oh dude, probably Peter Frampton, just for playing the talk box in the '70s. Deep cut."

Ryon: "Alright, now you get up here."

Felicia: "How can I do that?"

Ryon: "Jump and I'll catch you, man. [singing in falsetto to Time After Time] If you jump I will catch you, I'll be waiting. Okay, now throw me. Wrong. Throw me. Throw me. Throw me throw me throw me throw me throw me throw me throw me throw me throw me throw me throw me THROW ME THROW ME THROW ME THROW ME!!"

Ryon: "Clutch. Clutch performance."

Felicia, high fiving: "Clutch!"

Ryon: "Clutch performance, dude. Very smooth."

Felicia: "You idiot! You lost the hat! I mean, of everything that you've ever done, that was the worst."

Ryon: "You know, that's what Carlos Santana's wife said to him after he record Smooth with Rob Thomas. Little known fact."

Ryon: "Not bad for a Smooth fan."

Felicia: "I'm not a Smooth fan! I would not call myself— Okay, I would not qualify myself as a Smooth fan."

Felicia: "I would rate it 55 blockheads."

Ryon: "Really? It's not 55 Smooths by Carlos Santana and Rob Thomas?"

Felicia: "No! That's— That's a net zero for me! I'm just apathetic."

Ryon: "I mean, you're a huge fan."

Felicia: "No, I'm not a huge fan! [stage whispering to camera] I'm head of the fan club. I'm head of the fan club."

Ryon: "If you think she's a huge fan, leave a comment!"

Felicia: "If you can think of a worse song than Smooth or Boys of Summer, leave a comment! Legs by ZZ Top."

Rating

Felicia: "55 blockheads"

Cue points

0:00	Disclaimer
0:02	"This week" preview
0:15	Opening theme
0:24	Host intro
1:53	Game begins
8:41	"Official Audience Survey of the Week"
11:38	Rating and outro
12:10	End card/promo
12:18	Closing theme
12:20	End video