Episode 135
Felicia and Ryon play Secret of the Magic Crystals.
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- Episode 135 -
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| Secret of the Magic Crystals | |
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| Published | Artery Studios, 2011 |
| Credits | |
| Hosts | Felicia Day Ryon Day |
| Stats (as of January 12, 2020) | |
| First aired | August 22, 2016 |
| Duration | 17:21 |
| Views | 65,346 |
| Likes | 1,837 |
| Comments | 144 |
Quotes
Felicia: "And we have a special, special—"
Ryon: "Very special episode today."
Felicia: "Not really. It's just a stupid game."
Ryon: "It's a dumbass little baby game."
Ryon: "And Garuda X17 gave us this."
Felicia: "Well, among a lot of other themed things like this, this is my favorite, 'cause, not only is it a creepy little guy—"
Ryon: "But there's a special feature."
Felicia: "This is a special feature. Now, just as a reminder, this is a child's toy in Japan, I believe. This large stuffed animal has a butthole. And it's not just any butthole. It's a butthole you can put your finger in."
Ryon: "Unlike regular buttholes."
Felicia: "Look at this, guys. I don't mean— I don't know—"
Ryon: "Look at that. Look at this filth. Hide your eyes, children."
Felicia: "Look! Why did this toy come with a butthole? And a tiny butthole that's finger sized. And you can fit a lot in here, guys. This is a pocket. If anybody has an explanation for why this children's toy has a butthole—"
Ryon: "I think the explanation is 'Japan.'"
Felicia: "Okay, is that it?"
Ryon: "Yeah."
Ryon: "What are we gonna do? We're gonna collect this fucker!"
Felicia: "No, we're gonna breed this fucker."
Ryon: "We're gonna breed this fucker."
Felicia: "I don't know if we breed or not. We're going to raise this fucker."
Ryon: "Gonna raise this fucker. Matriculate this fucker."
Felicia: "Matriculate? That means graduate, right?"
Ryon: "We're going to have them graduate from unicorn college."
Felicia: "Okay, we're gonna edumacate some unicorns."
Ryon: "We're gonna educate unicorns. Let's educate this fucker."
Felicia: "Educate this fucker."
Felicia: "We gotta play a girl, but— You wanna play a guy? I'm gonna do this for you just because you look just like this kid. Look at him. [in child's voice] 'Hi, my name's Ryon Day! I'm five years old!'"
Ryon: "Well, he does have a bowl cut like a young Ryon Day did as well."
Felicia: "He does. And you're wearing like a little sissy suit."
Ryon: "Yeah, little sissy suit."
Felicia: "What are we gonna name him?"
Ryon: "We're gonna name him— Well, we have two names we usually use."
Felicia: "Well, or we can use that or—"
Ryon: "Peupicorn? Anussicorn?"
Felicia: "[…] Or just Well Hung. [types it in] Okay, right? I like that."
Ryon: "I'm sure you do! I'm sure that's right up your alley, dude. Right up your something, anyway."
Felicia: "Look at his information. He's very, very stupid."
Ryon: "He's very cheap."
Felicia: "He's very stupid."
Ryon: "He's very weak. He's dumb and weak."
Felicia: "He's very stupid. He's a dextrous, speedy, dumb shit."
Ryon: "He's dumb and fucking runs really fast."
Felicia: "Yeah."
Ryon: "He's a dumb shit."
Ryon: "If you're a good boy, WellHung, we'll let ya fuck."
Ryon: "I think he needs to get swole again. I want a big, muscle-bound, dumb fuck unicorn, alright?"
Ryon: "We need to put some more concrete blocks on that sled."
Felicia: "No you don't! He's a baby!"
Ryon: "No, he's gonna be a man."
Felicia: "He's a foal. He doesn't even have horseshoes on yet."
Ryon: "It's okay. He's gonna be tough."
Felicia: "We gotta go put him to work, actually. He needs to make us some cheddar."
Ryon: "And what kind of weak, spindly horse is gonna make us money?"
Felicia: "Um, one who is elegant."
Felicia: "We gotta put him to work. Should we clean him before we put him to work? Nah, it's fine."
Ryon: "We'll ride him hard, put him up wet. It'll teach him character."
Ryon, brushing the unicorn disturbingly slowly and speaking softly: "Oh yeah, you like that? You like that? Oh yeah, you like that."
Felicia: "Don't go so slow. It's creepy."
Ryon: "No, he likes it. Mmm-hmm."
Felicia, laughing: "Please stop it."
Ryon: "Right down the shanks, nice and slow? Shanks? Nice and slow. There ya go."
Felicia: "You're making me vomit! Please!"
Felicia: "And the great thing is we can sit here for a minute and a half watching him go off screen to do something we can't see."
Ryon: "What are we supposed to do?"
Felicia: "Nothing. We wait for the horse to come back. That's why this game sucks."
Felicia, after brushing ill unicorn: "Okay, he looks better. Does he look alright?"
Ryon: "Yeah! No, he's fine."
Felicia: "He doesn't look good."
Ryon: "He's totally fine, man! Let's go lift some weights now."
Felicia: "No! Okay, I don't like the way you're treating our horse. Eat something!"
Ryon: "Come on, man. Pain is weakness leaving the body, dude."
Felicia: "Oh, he's got an infection!"
Ryon: "He's got the chlamydias. Jesus, what did you do when you were out there?"
Felicia: "Oh no, this is awful."
Ryon: "We didn't give him the talk and this is what happens."
Felicia: "I don't think we have enough money to cure him!"
Ryon: "No, we don't have any money to cure our horse."
Felicia, laughing: "How can we have fucked this game up so fast!?"
Ryon, laughing: "Okay! Put him to work! You gotta bring home the bacon!"
Felicia: "I'm sorry, you have to go!"
Ryon: "Son, you have to go! We have no choice!"
Felicia, laughing: "You have to, I'm sorry!"
Ryon, laughing: "We have no choice!"
Felicia, laughing: "This is like Tiny Tim stuff!"
Ryon: "We have no choice, kid, I'm sorry! Oh god, he's gonna—"
Felicia: "This is like Tiny Tim! It's awful!"
Felicia: "I just want— Can we get another horse? Can we send him to [quietly] the glue factory?"
Ryon: "Yeah, how much is his body worth?"
Felicia: "If we just take his horn off—"
Ryon: "How much are his bones worth in the glue factory?"
Ryon: "Yep, get that hoof. Other hoof."
Felicia, flatly: "We gotta do all his hooves."
Ryon: "Wow."
Felicia: "God I hate him."
Ryon, laughing: "You're talking about your child."
Felicia, laughing: "I fucking hate him."
Ryon: "Look at him. [holding out hand] 'You may. You may fucking groom.'"
Felicia: "You know what I had to do because of your fucking genital infection!? I literally have no money right now to pay myself!"
Ryon: "Hope you guys out there didn't pay for your whole chair, 'cause I know you're just using the edge."
Felicia: "Look at him! He's running like—"
Ryon: "He's running like an idiot."
Felicia: "Oh it works!"
Ryon: "Oh look! He looks so proud."
Felicia: "Oh god, he's adorable."
Ryon: "Oh god, no son of mine acts like that."
Felicia: "Okay, you're really gender stereotyping right now. I feel like if he needs to prance, you gotta let a guy prance."
Ryon, reading: "Oh, 'Intelligence is determined by how well you groom your horse as a colt.' Not C-U-L-T, but C-O-L-T."
Felicia: "O-C-C-U-L-T?"
Ryon: "So we treated him like shit, so his mental capacity is stunted."
Felicia: "How did we treat him like shit? I thought we groomed him really well as a baby."
Ryon, laughing: "We sent him to work at the age of 1."
Felicia: "Alright, that was not as good as it could have been. How do you increase it?"
Ryon: "He's done. It's nature versus nurture, dude. I've been trying to pull a 3-ton cart as a 100 lb colt. He had a brain aneurysm. It just killed the part of his brain."
Felicia, laughing: "As long as he can still breed."
Ryon, laughing: "You just need him for his big horse dick. That's all he is to you. A dick on four legs. That's all. That's all."
Felicia: "Fuck this game."
Ryon: "Fuck this game, dude."
Character names
- Both: "WellHung"
Rating
Felicia: "45 hours of him just going away and not doing anything"
Ryon: "3 IQ points"
Cue points
| 0:00 | "This week" preview |
| 0:16 | Opening theme |
| 0:25 | Host intro |
| 2:44 | Game begins |
| 8:15 | "Felicia's Most Uncomfortable Moment of the Week" |
| 16:26 | Rating and outro |
| 17:13 | Closing theme |
| 17:15 | End card/promo |
| 17:21 | End video |
Gallery
Felicia and Ryon introducing the episode
Ryon bonking Felicia to get Garuda X17's name right
Hiding Peach Bottom Kobito toy
Felicia violating a children's toy
Secret of the Magic Crystals game art
Ryon as a child compared to the protagonist
Felicia naming her unicorn
The lack of visible horse penis is noted
Felicia reacts to Ryon's sensual horse brushing
WellHung "Tokyo drifts" home sick
"Use the bucket!"
"New Low Unlocked: Desperately searched for cheats to a baby game"
"New Low Unlocked: Continued to search for answers to why a baby game bested you"
