Episode 135

Felicia and Ryon play Secret of the Magic Crystals.

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Secret of the Magic Crystals
Published	Artery Studios, 2011
Credits
Hosts	Felicia Day Ryon Day
Stats (as of January 12, 2020)
First aired	August 22, 2016
Duration	17:21
Views	65,346
Likes	1,837
Comments	144

Quotes

Felicia: "And we have a special, special—"

Ryon: "Very special episode today."

Felicia: "Not really. It's just a stupid game."

Ryon: "It's a dumbass little baby game."

Ryon: "And Garuda X17 gave us this."

Felicia: "Well, among a lot of other themed things like this, this is my favorite, 'cause, not only is it a creepy little guy—"

Ryon: "But there's a special feature."

Felicia: "This is a special feature. Now, just as a reminder, this is a child's toy in Japan, I believe. This large stuffed animal has a butthole. And it's not just any butthole. It's a butthole you can put your finger in."

Ryon: "Unlike regular buttholes."

Felicia, as she thrusts her finger in and out of the butthole: "Look at this, guys. I don't mean— I don't know—"

Ryon: "Look at that. Look at this filth. Hide your eyes, children."

Felicia: "Look! Why did this toy come with a butthole? And a tiny butthole that's finger sized. And you can fit a lot in here, guys. This is a pocket. If anybody has an explanation for why this children's toy has a butthole—"

Ryon: "I think the explanation is 'Japan.'"

Felicia: "Okay, is that it?"

Ryon: "Yeah."

Ryon: "What are we gonna do? We're gonna collect this fucker!"

Felicia: "No, we're gonna breed this fucker."

Ryon: "We're gonna breed this fucker."

Felicia: "I don't know if we breed or not. We're going to raise this fucker."

Ryon: "Gonna raise this fucker. Matriculate this fucker."

Felicia: "Matriculate? That means graduate, right?"

Ryon: "We're going to have them graduate from unicorn college."

Felicia: "Okay, we're gonna edumacate some unicorns."

Ryon: "We're gonna educate unicorns. Let's educate this fucker."

Felicia: "Educate this fucker."

Felicia: "We gotta play a girl, but— You wanna play a guy? I'm gonna do this for you just because you look just like this kid. Look at him. [in child's voice] 'Hi, my name's Ryon Day! I'm five years old!'"

Ryon: "Well, he does have a bowl cut like a young Ryon Day did as well."

Felicia: "He does. And you're wearing like a little sissy suit."

Ryon: "Yeah, little sissy suit."

Felicia: "What are we gonna name him?"

Ryon: "We're gonna name him— Well, we have two names we usually use."

Felicia: "Well, or we can use that or—"

Ryon: "Peupicorn? Anussicorn?"

Felicia: "[…] Or just Well Hung. [types it in] Okay, right? I like that."

Ryon: "I'm sure you do! I'm sure that's right up your alley, dude. Right up your something, anyway."

Felicia: "Look at his information. He's very, very stupid."

Ryon: "He's very cheap."

Felicia: "He's very stupid."

Ryon: "He's very weak. He's dumb and weak."

Felicia: "He's very stupid. He's a dextrous, speedy, dumb shit."

Ryon: "He's dumb and fucking runs really fast."

Felicia: "Yeah."

Ryon: "He's a dumb shit."

Ryon: "If you're a good boy, WellHung, we'll let ya fuck."

Ryon: "I think he needs to get swole again. I want a big, muscle-bound, dumb fuck unicorn, alright?"

Ryon: "We need to put some more concrete blocks on that sled."

Felicia: "No you don't! He's a baby!"

Ryon: "No, he's gonna be a man."

Felicia: "He's a foal. He doesn't even have horseshoes on yet."

Ryon: "It's okay. He's gonna be tough."

Felicia: "We gotta go put him to work, actually. He needs to make us some cheddar."

Ryon: "And what kind of weak, spindly horse is gonna make us money?"

Felicia: "Um, one who is elegant."

Felicia: "We gotta put him to work. Should we clean him before we put him to work? Nah, it's fine."

Ryon: "We'll ride him hard, put him up wet. It'll teach him character."

Ryon, brushing the unicorn disturbingly slowly and speaking softly: "Oh yeah, you like that? You like that? Oh yeah, you like that."

Felicia: "Don't go so slow. It's creepy."

Ryon: "No, he likes it. Mmm-hmm."

Felicia, laughing: "Please stop it."

Ryon: "Right down the shanks, nice and slow? Shanks? Nice and slow. There ya go."

Felicia: "You're making me vomit! Please!"

Felicia: "And the great thing is we can sit here for a minute and a half watching him go off screen to do something we can't see."

Ryon: "What are we supposed to do?"

Felicia: "Nothing. We wait for the horse to come back. That's why this game sucks."

Felicia, after brushing ill unicorn: "Okay, he looks better. Does he look alright?"

Ryon: "Yeah! No, he's fine."

Felicia: "He doesn't look good."

Ryon: "He's totally fine, man! Let's go lift some weights now."

Felicia: "No! Okay, I don't like the way you're treating our horse. Eat something!"

Ryon: "Come on, man. Pain is weakness leaving the body, dude."

Felicia: "Oh, he's got an infection!"

Ryon: "He's got the chlamydias. Jesus, what did you do when you were out there?"

Felicia: "Oh no, this is awful."

Ryon: "We didn't give him the talk and this is what happens."

Felicia: "I don't think we have enough money to cure him!"

Ryon: "No, we don't have any money to cure our horse."

Felicia, laughing: "How can we have fucked this game up so fast!?"

Ryon, laughing: "Okay! Put him to work! You gotta bring home the bacon!"

Felicia: "I'm sorry, you have to go!"

Ryon: "Son, you have to go! We have no choice!"

Felicia, laughing: "You have to, I'm sorry!"

Ryon, laughing: "We have no choice!"

Felicia, laughing: "This is like Tiny Tim stuff!"

Ryon: "We have no choice, kid, I'm sorry! Oh god, he's gonna—"

Felicia: "This is like Tiny Tim! It's awful!"

Felicia: "I just want— Can we get another horse? Can we send him to [quietly] the glue factory?"

Ryon: "Yeah, how much is his body worth?"

Felicia: "If we just take his horn off—"

Ryon: "How much are his bones worth in the glue factory?"

Ryon: "Yep, get that hoof. Other hoof."

Felicia, flatly: "We gotta do all his hooves."

Ryon: "Wow."

Felicia: "God I hate him."

Ryon, laughing: "You're talking about your child."

Felicia, laughing: "I fucking hate him."

Ryon: "Look at him. [holding out hand] 'You may. You may fucking groom.'"

Felicia: "You know what I had to do because of your fucking genital infection!? I literally have no money right now to pay myself!"

Ryon: "Hope you guys out there didn't pay for your whole chair, 'cause I know you're just using the edge."

Felicia: "Look at him! He's running like—"

Ryon: "He's running like an idiot."

Felicia: "Oh it works!"

Ryon: "Oh look! He looks so proud."

Felicia: "Oh god, he's adorable."

Ryon: "Oh god, no son of mine acts like that."

Felicia: "Okay, you're really gender stereotyping right now. I feel like if he needs to prance, you gotta let a guy prance."

Ryon, reading: "Oh, 'Intelligence is determined by how well you groom your horse as a colt.' Not C-U-L-T, but C-O-L-T."

Felicia: "O-C-C-U-L-T?"

Ryon: "So we treated him like shit, so his mental capacity is stunted."

Felicia: "How did we treat him like shit? I thought we groomed him really well as a baby."

Ryon, laughing: "We sent him to work at the age of 1."

Felicia: "Alright, that was not as good as it could have been. How do you increase it?"

Ryon: "He's done. It's nature versus nurture, dude. I've been trying to pull a 3-ton cart as a 100 lb colt. He had a brain aneurysm. It just killed the part of his brain."

Felicia, laughing: "As long as he can still breed."

Ryon, laughing: "You just need him for his big horse dick. That's all he is to you. A dick on four legs. That's all. That's all."

Felicia: "Fuck this game."

Ryon: "Fuck this game, dude."

Character names

• Both: "WellHung"

Rating

Felicia: "45 hours of him just going away and not doing anything"

Ryon: "3 IQ points"

Cue points

0:00	"This week" preview
0:16	Opening theme
0:25	Host intro
2:44	Game begins
8:15	"Felicia's Most Uncomfortable Moment of the Week"
16:26	Rating and outro
17:13	Closing theme
17:15	End card/promo
17:21	End video

Gallery

• 

  Felicia and Ryon introducing the episode

• 

  Ryon bonking Felicia to get Garuda X17's name right

• 

  Hiding Peach Bottom Kobito toy

• 

  Felicia violating a children's toy

• 

  Secret of the Magic Crystals game art

• 

  Ryon as a child (right) compared to the protagonist

• 

  Felicia naming her unicorn

• 

  The lack of visible horse penis is noted

• 

  Felicia reacts to Ryon's sensual horse brushing

• 

  WellHung "Tokyo drifts" home sick

• 

  "Use the bucket!"

• 

  "New Low Unlocked: Desperately searched for cheats to a baby game"

• 

  "New Low Unlocked: Continued to search for answers to why a baby game bested you"

External links

• Let's Play Secret of the Magic Crystals! (Co-Optitude w/ Ryon & Felicia Day) on YouTube

Social media

• Geek & Sundry's tweet
• Geek & Sundry's Facebook post